What Happened to My Nose?
At 10:45 this morning, I had my exit interview with the human resources lady from my company. Knowing what her first question would be, I decided that I was going to be honest. Well, partially honest. Complete honesty probably would not have been a good idea. Some things are just better left out of the office. So when she pointed to her own nose and asked, “What happened?” I said, “I’m embarrassed to say that I fell. I wish I had a better story, but I don’t.”
In the interest of full disclosure, I have a band-aid on my nose. The bandage is covering a few mild cuts on the arch of my nose (I have a very Jewish nose, so it’s really hard for me to hide anything up there). Thankfully, the rest of the damage to my head is hidden beneath my hair.
The human resources lady said that I should come up with a better story. I responded that the truth was funny as any story I could come up with, but is that really true? If a 98 year old lady can reach the highest level of Taekwondo and another one can swim to Cuba (without a shark tank), then I can hopefully come up with a good story about my nose.
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I was walking to Eli’s Bagels in
I made it to the traffic light next to Shop Rite fairly unscathed. A few angry drivers cursed at me as I scurried across the highway (I assumed they were just anti-semetic). Although it was fairly long walk, I had my Ipod to keep me company. I was playing all my favorite tunes: Janet Jackson, Justin Bieber, Celine Deon. I have a few nicknames for them: “The Big 3” – “The 3 Musketeers” – “Murderers’ Row” – “The 3 Stooges.”
I was just finishing up that J. Bieber classic as I passed by McDonalds. I was skipping (some would say frolicking), not really focusing on what was in front of me. If I had been, I would have seen a black guy wearing rainbow converse sneakers, green tinted sunglasses, and oversized headphones riding a Razor Scooter. If I had been, maybe I would have moved out of the way onto the sidewalk. If I had been, maybe I would have clotheslined the guy (and surely gotten the shit kicked out of me). Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying attention (and neither was he), and we collided. The front wheel of the scooter flew up into my knee, the handle hit me in the throat, and the guy flipped over me and landed back on the scooter. I went face first into the pavement, and he (being a graceful and athletic black guy), continued on without even a glance back. He was majestic…
There I was laying face down in the street. I could feel the blood running off my face. Knowing that I had come too far to be denied my prize, I crawled the remaining few hundred yards to the doorstep of Eli’s Bagels. I pulled myself up, walked in covered in blood, and ordered an everything bagel with walnut raisin creamed cheese and lox (smoked salmon). The cashier looked me aghast: “What the hell kinda bagel is that?”
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