The Shaun T. Rebuttal

Friends,

I would like to set the record straight about my good friend Shaun T. Certain people (you know who I'm talking about) would have you believe that Shaun is an annoyance, a pest even. Fortunately, I have a much closer relationship with him than anybody else you know, so I can shed light on how wonderful a person he really is.

Super T (as I like to call him) is such a loyal friend. (He also goes by Stinky Tom, Slammin' Sammy, T-Bone, Big Jacked Guy, and Mark.) Shaun and I have hung out everyday (except Sundays- its the day of God* after all) for the past 7 weeks, and I can tell you he is one of the most reliable, encouraging people I have ever met (through the cord that connects my laptop to the TV in my basement).

*By God, I mean your god. My god takes his naps on Saturdays*

If you measure friendships by the amount quality time you spend with a person, then Shaun and I are best friends. I see him for at minimum 40 minutes a day. Recently, we've been hanging out for over 50 min a day. Shaun likes me so much that he asked me a few weeks ago if we could spend more time together. Obviously, I obliged, and the time we spend together has become even more valuable. Here are my top 8 (I couldn't make it to 10) favorite things about Shaun T:

1. He's black. Everybody knows you become 65% cooler (proven by science) when you hang out regularly with a black guy.

2. His schedule is flexible. Shaun can hang out whenever I have time. If I want to say hello when I get home from work, he's ready to go. If I only have time really early in the morning, Shaun will wake up early with me with no questions asked. If my schedule is really booked on a certain day, he will rearrange his schedule with no advanced notice.

3. He doesn't care who I bring along. I was introduced to Shaun T. by C (who I thank regularly for the introduction). C and I started calling Shaun pretty regularly back in early June, and soon we started inviting CD, R, and T to join us. Although I'm the only one who sees Shaun everyday, the rest of the guys also have a very good relationship with Shaun. Shaun had no problem with C and I bringing more people to hang out, even though we now have less one on one time, and everybody knows how important one on one time is to a pre-recorded relationship through the TV.

4. He is encouraging. Although Shaun asks that I give our relationship maximum effort, he always reminds me that I can take a break whenever I want to. If things are just too difficult on a certain day, Shaun let's me take a step back, get a drink of water, and get back into things when I am ready. It's nice to know that I have a friend who is looking out for me. He doesn't want me to get hurt. I'll admit that recently Shaun T. has been a little more demanding, and it was tough at first to get used to his new expectations. But I know that I'll get used to it, and soon Shaun and I will be back to being best buds.

5. He is always smiling. Everybody has a friend who always seems upset. I don't mean people who get upset when bad things happen. I mean people who are literally always unhappy. I can honestly say that I have never seen Shaun T. in a bad mood. He always has a smile on his face. He is always excited to see me. I'll admit, it's pretty flattering.

6. He comes suspiciously close to sexually harassing women. I know what you're thinking: sexual harassment is bad. We all have that friend who gets too close to girls, breaking the bubble they told us about in elementary school. We have a word for people like this: creeps. Fortunately, Shaun T. is not that guy. However, he is the guy who does all the things that creeps do without becoming a creep. How does he do this? I don't know. Somehow Shaun can touch girls' thighs and abs without them slapping him. I once heard him ask a girl if it was the first time she wore a sports bra. Incredible.

7. He treats his male co-workers like crap. Shaun T. is very, very nice to the girls he works with: very supportive, very encouraging, very loyal. To the guys, however, he is a jerk: always questioning their form, telling them to get away, demanding they work harder. It makes me fell that much better about how strong our friendship is. I (along with C, T, and R) am one of the few guys that Shaun T. respects.

8. He is from New Jersey. Enough Said.

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The point is Shaun T. is a great friend. I have his back. If you have a problem with him, you have a problem with me. But I'd suggest not having a problem with him, because he can tear you apart. I on the other hand can make you a mean peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

D

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