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Stories of B's Misfortune and Uncordination...
Posted by The one and only "B"...
on
2:04 PM
Hello all!
B here… In case you don’t watch the weather channel or you’re living in jersey and just haven’t made the effort to look out the window yet, let me be the first to inform you of our misfortune. Congratulations! We are graced by the presence of yet another snowstorm…. Super… While some people might be rejoicing in the current snowstorm, I’ll be hiding in my house, drinking my tea in abnormal amounts, and pretending that I actually like hanging out indoors for long periods of time. The only good thing about snow is sledding. Other than that, the snow can go to hell and melt now. Seriously, if it could melt now, that would be great. In my humble opinion, this isn’t a winter wonderland. This is a giant freaking death trap. If you have to ask why, then you are clearly not uncoordinated like I am.
When it comes to being a full on walking disaster, nobody knows how to do it better than me. The whole reason C owed me a blog was because he stole a notebook from me which had… some sensitive material in it… So, of course I had to chase him. Which meant my getting hurt was pretty much inevitable. The details of this particular incident have been debated by me and C, because while I was trying to get the notebook from him, he was blocking me and holding it out of my reach. Apparently we never actually graduated from grade school. In my account, I remembered getting a “slight nudge” from C before losing my balance, having my legs fly out from under me, and slamming back first on the cement of the garage floor. According to C, I just randomly fell… In C’s defense, the possibility of me randomly falling really isn’t a stretch.
Either way, it hurt, but it also jogged my memory of stupid klutzy things I have done in the presence of the boys. A few of them result in injuries, and the ones where I’ve been injured usually involve C… Wait a minute, do I sense a pattern? A series of unfortunate events all involving a usual suspect? Maybe that “slight nudge” wasn’t my imagination after all…
When the boys first met me, I didn’t exactly warn them that I was kind of uncoordinated. They had to learn the hard way. Eventually they caught on; they began to notice that bad things seem to happen to me. It's never something small, either. I can't even defend myself without getting hurt. Trust me, C and A always walk away laughing, and I ended up with bruises, or a broken toe… More on that later.
I believe the history of my misfortune all began the day I accidentally checked some kid at Six Flags. I still stand by my defense that it wasn’t my fault! I was being led in the path of the small child. When you are being led, you have no control damn it! For some reason, we had made a chain line with all of our arms linked together. At the time, I had been a bit distraught because of a poor, helpless goose with a broken arm. I had been trying to convince the others that we should jump over the fence, grab the goose, and take it to a vet. Everyone just kind of laughed at me. During all this, E (We’ve mentioned her in previous blogs, she is CD’s girlfriend) had been leading me away from the goose; trying to placate me by saying the goose would be fine. That was when I felt something hit my leg. At first I was slightly confused, and said something along the lines of, "What the hell was that?" I was pretty eloquent in those days. E and I both stopped and turned to see a small child, probably around the age of two or three, crying hysterically. Maybe if I wasn’t 5’9” and still growing at the time, I would have noticed him. Unfortunately, small people aren’t exactly in my line of vision, so apparently I just walked right into him. Hey! Don’t start thinking of me as a horrible person! I ran back to make sure he was okay. I felt awful and apologized, repeatedly. His mom said it was fine, and that she hadn’t been paying close enough attention to him. See, not entirely my fault. Unfortunately for me, the boys have made it their duty to make fun of me for it.
A couple weeks later, we were once again at Six Flags Great Adventure. To be honest, it’s one of my favorite places on earth. We had been at the cheese steak restaurant, where the “Boardwalk” part of the park is. All I had wanted was a simple, quiet meal. Let’s be real though, that rarely ever happens. I had been sitting in a booth next to DM and across from CD, and for some reason DM was making fun of me. I don’t remember the exact circumstances for why he was making fun of me, but he does it all the time. DM is kind of like my surrogate big brother, and he enjoys tormenting me. This whole story would not have been possible had it not been for DM’s constant teasing, and my strange obsession with always having mayo on my sandwiches. Seriously, I eat meatball subs with mayo on them, so having mayo on my cheese steak, not that unusual for me. Somehow, when I had been putting my tray of food on the table, one lone packet of mayo ended up underneath my tray. While DM was making fun of me, I made the mistake of slamming my elbow on my tray, in an attempt to hide my face in my hands. That was when the mayo pack exploded. I‘m not exaggerating either when I say exploded. I mean, mayo shot out from under my tray, and across the restaurant maybe 6 to 8 feet. Right onto some girl’s hoodie. When it first happened, the girl and I just kind of stared at each other for a minute, up until the point where she started freaking out. We got napkins for her, and had to explain that it was JUST mayo… Yeah… That wasn’t uncomfortable.
Then there was the time at Six Flags… I’m starting to notice a trend here… C and DM were trying to convince me to sing on stage. I don’t like singing in public. If you wanted me to debate someone, on a stage, in front of a bunch of people, that was no problem. Singing? Yeah, I don’t think so. So C and DM thought it would be a good idea to use force to make me go on stage. By force I mean, DM grabbed my arms, C grabbed my legs, and they were carrying me towards the stage. My first reaction was to start kicking, but kicking doesn’t exactly help you when you’re wearing flip flops, and that’s how I broke my toe.
Moving away from our typical location of Six Flags, this story is a lot like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. In this story, I’ll be playing the role of Charlie Brown, C will be Lucy, and the football will be a tackling dummy… Yeah, you probably have an idea where this is going. The boys and I used to play Frisbee on a regular basis on our high school’s Astroturf covered football field. We had just finished the game, and were standing on the sidelines of the field, when C dared me to tackle the dummy as hard as I could. Thinking nothing of the challenge, I accepted. I took a running head start, and right before I reached the dummy, I lunged forward towards the center of the dummy. Only problem was, the dummy was no longer there. C had moved it out of the way at the last second, which meant I was flying through the air, and destined for a very rough, potentially astro-burned, landing.
There’s one story that happened quite recently, which just reminds me of the fact that, no matter how old I get, I still haven’t developed any sense of coordination. A few weeks ago, the boys and I played Frisbee on that same field. Which, honestly, wasn’t the best idea because the field was hidden under snow covered ice. I had been on the same team as C, CD, and CS. They had been trying to convince me to “accidentally” tackle somebody during the game. I had been matched up against Char (you know, it’s really hard to come up with abbreviations for everyone, when half of them have names that start with C), and I was joking with him that my team had given me permission to tackle him. This was in response to the fact that he was so insistent on running everywhere, and seeing as though I was matched up against him, this meant I had to chase after him. The awkward and uncoordinated don’t like running. Here’s why, I had no intentions of actually tackling anyone, but fate had other plans. Char had stopped short, at least I thought he did, and I slipped in the snow and knocked him down. Hard. I apologized, profusely might I add, while he was picking me up and body slamming me down to the ground in retaliation. Not too long after that, I was trying to avoid being guarded by R, when I accidentally tripped him up. His response was, “Damn it, B!”… I’ll take getting yelled at, over getting body slammed any day.
Alright, I’m almost done with this, I promise. I have one last story to share. It’s also one of the most epic of epic failure stories ever. This story takes place one day after frisbee, back during our senior year of high school. We were making our daily pilgrimage to 7-11 for slurpee's. I had been leaning up against one of the shelves, facing the bank of refrigerators storing all the drinks, trying to convince CS to get this energy drink. The energy drink was called Extreme Shock, eventually it was made illegal, we have some great stories about that, but I’ll save that for another snow day. I’m sure there will be more… Back to the story, what I hadn’t realized at the time was that I had gradually moved from leaning against the shelves, to leaning against the massive display of coca-cola products....Yeah.... CS and DM both said, "That's probably not a good idea," at the same time, right as the mountain of soda boxes came down. That warning would have been helpful, say, before the tower of soda came crashing down. The soda display was completely destroyed, two boxes of Diet Coke broke open, and several cans had come lose and were spraying soda everywhere. It was just....a disaster. We cleaned it up, and by we, I mean the boys and the two guys who worked there. I think I wandered off to find paper towels and tried to keep myself from crying. Again I found myself apologizing profusely. It always ends with me apologizing... At the time, I honestly didn't understand why the workers were laughing, or why they didn‘t make me pay for the damage... Actually, I still don’t understand why. I do remember the boys wanting to go to Michael's afterwards to buy bubble wrap. So they could put me in it. With my luck, it would have only made things worse...
The only comfort I found that day was back at CD’s house. We were watching a movie in his basement, and someone had yelled at me for putting my slurpee too close to CD’s Wii. That was a legit concern at this point. I had insisted on defending myself by pointing out the fact that CS had his slurpee next to the Wii as well. I don’t remember who exactly said this, but someone had yelled, “That’s because nothing bad ever happens to CS!” Proud of this exclamation, CS yelled out “YES!” and shoved his fist into the air… and right into the path of an unforgiving ceiling fan. Ha… He’ll never do that again.
Enjoy the winter death trap! I know I won’t….
B
|
B here… In case you don’t watch the weather channel or you’re living in jersey and just haven’t made the effort to look out the window yet, let me be the first to inform you of our misfortune. Congratulations! We are graced by the presence of yet another snowstorm…. Super… While some people might be rejoicing in the current snowstorm, I’ll be hiding in my house, drinking my tea in abnormal amounts, and pretending that I actually like hanging out indoors for long periods of time. The only good thing about snow is sledding. Other than that, the snow can go to hell and melt now. Seriously, if it could melt now, that would be great. In my humble opinion, this isn’t a winter wonderland. This is a giant freaking death trap. If you have to ask why, then you are clearly not uncoordinated like I am.
When it comes to being a full on walking disaster, nobody knows how to do it better than me. The whole reason C owed me a blog was because he stole a notebook from me which had… some sensitive material in it… So, of course I had to chase him. Which meant my getting hurt was pretty much inevitable. The details of this particular incident have been debated by me and C, because while I was trying to get the notebook from him, he was blocking me and holding it out of my reach. Apparently we never actually graduated from grade school. In my account, I remembered getting a “slight nudge” from C before losing my balance, having my legs fly out from under me, and slamming back first on the cement of the garage floor. According to C, I just randomly fell… In C’s defense, the possibility of me randomly falling really isn’t a stretch.
Either way, it hurt, but it also jogged my memory of stupid klutzy things I have done in the presence of the boys. A few of them result in injuries, and the ones where I’ve been injured usually involve C… Wait a minute, do I sense a pattern? A series of unfortunate events all involving a usual suspect? Maybe that “slight nudge” wasn’t my imagination after all…
When the boys first met me, I didn’t exactly warn them that I was kind of uncoordinated. They had to learn the hard way. Eventually they caught on; they began to notice that bad things seem to happen to me. It's never something small, either. I can't even defend myself without getting hurt. Trust me, C and A always walk away laughing, and I ended up with bruises, or a broken toe… More on that later.
I believe the history of my misfortune all began the day I accidentally checked some kid at Six Flags. I still stand by my defense that it wasn’t my fault! I was being led in the path of the small child. When you are being led, you have no control damn it! For some reason, we had made a chain line with all of our arms linked together. At the time, I had been a bit distraught because of a poor, helpless goose with a broken arm. I had been trying to convince the others that we should jump over the fence, grab the goose, and take it to a vet. Everyone just kind of laughed at me. During all this, E (We’ve mentioned her in previous blogs, she is CD’s girlfriend) had been leading me away from the goose; trying to placate me by saying the goose would be fine. That was when I felt something hit my leg. At first I was slightly confused, and said something along the lines of, "What the hell was that?" I was pretty eloquent in those days. E and I both stopped and turned to see a small child, probably around the age of two or three, crying hysterically. Maybe if I wasn’t 5’9” and still growing at the time, I would have noticed him. Unfortunately, small people aren’t exactly in my line of vision, so apparently I just walked right into him. Hey! Don’t start thinking of me as a horrible person! I ran back to make sure he was okay. I felt awful and apologized, repeatedly. His mom said it was fine, and that she hadn’t been paying close enough attention to him. See, not entirely my fault. Unfortunately for me, the boys have made it their duty to make fun of me for it.
A couple weeks later, we were once again at Six Flags Great Adventure. To be honest, it’s one of my favorite places on earth. We had been at the cheese steak restaurant, where the “Boardwalk” part of the park is. All I had wanted was a simple, quiet meal. Let’s be real though, that rarely ever happens. I had been sitting in a booth next to DM and across from CD, and for some reason DM was making fun of me. I don’t remember the exact circumstances for why he was making fun of me, but he does it all the time. DM is kind of like my surrogate big brother, and he enjoys tormenting me. This whole story would not have been possible had it not been for DM’s constant teasing, and my strange obsession with always having mayo on my sandwiches. Seriously, I eat meatball subs with mayo on them, so having mayo on my cheese steak, not that unusual for me. Somehow, when I had been putting my tray of food on the table, one lone packet of mayo ended up underneath my tray. While DM was making fun of me, I made the mistake of slamming my elbow on my tray, in an attempt to hide my face in my hands. That was when the mayo pack exploded. I‘m not exaggerating either when I say exploded. I mean, mayo shot out from under my tray, and across the restaurant maybe 6 to 8 feet. Right onto some girl’s hoodie. When it first happened, the girl and I just kind of stared at each other for a minute, up until the point where she started freaking out. We got napkins for her, and had to explain that it was JUST mayo… Yeah… That wasn’t uncomfortable.
Then there was the time at Six Flags… I’m starting to notice a trend here… C and DM were trying to convince me to sing on stage. I don’t like singing in public. If you wanted me to debate someone, on a stage, in front of a bunch of people, that was no problem. Singing? Yeah, I don’t think so. So C and DM thought it would be a good idea to use force to make me go on stage. By force I mean, DM grabbed my arms, C grabbed my legs, and they were carrying me towards the stage. My first reaction was to start kicking, but kicking doesn’t exactly help you when you’re wearing flip flops, and that’s how I broke my toe.
Moving away from our typical location of Six Flags, this story is a lot like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. In this story, I’ll be playing the role of Charlie Brown, C will be Lucy, and the football will be a tackling dummy… Yeah, you probably have an idea where this is going. The boys and I used to play Frisbee on a regular basis on our high school’s Astroturf covered football field. We had just finished the game, and were standing on the sidelines of the field, when C dared me to tackle the dummy as hard as I could. Thinking nothing of the challenge, I accepted. I took a running head start, and right before I reached the dummy, I lunged forward towards the center of the dummy. Only problem was, the dummy was no longer there. C had moved it out of the way at the last second, which meant I was flying through the air, and destined for a very rough, potentially astro-burned, landing.
There’s one story that happened quite recently, which just reminds me of the fact that, no matter how old I get, I still haven’t developed any sense of coordination. A few weeks ago, the boys and I played Frisbee on that same field. Which, honestly, wasn’t the best idea because the field was hidden under snow covered ice. I had been on the same team as C, CD, and CS. They had been trying to convince me to “accidentally” tackle somebody during the game. I had been matched up against Char (you know, it’s really hard to come up with abbreviations for everyone, when half of them have names that start with C), and I was joking with him that my team had given me permission to tackle him. This was in response to the fact that he was so insistent on running everywhere, and seeing as though I was matched up against him, this meant I had to chase after him. The awkward and uncoordinated don’t like running. Here’s why, I had no intentions of actually tackling anyone, but fate had other plans. Char had stopped short, at least I thought he did, and I slipped in the snow and knocked him down. Hard. I apologized, profusely might I add, while he was picking me up and body slamming me down to the ground in retaliation. Not too long after that, I was trying to avoid being guarded by R, when I accidentally tripped him up. His response was, “Damn it, B!”… I’ll take getting yelled at, over getting body slammed any day.
Alright, I’m almost done with this, I promise. I have one last story to share. It’s also one of the most epic of epic failure stories ever. This story takes place one day after frisbee, back during our senior year of high school. We were making our daily pilgrimage to 7-11 for slurpee's. I had been leaning up against one of the shelves, facing the bank of refrigerators storing all the drinks, trying to convince CS to get this energy drink. The energy drink was called Extreme Shock, eventually it was made illegal, we have some great stories about that, but I’ll save that for another snow day. I’m sure there will be more… Back to the story, what I hadn’t realized at the time was that I had gradually moved from leaning against the shelves, to leaning against the massive display of coca-cola products....Yeah.... CS and DM both said, "That's probably not a good idea," at the same time, right as the mountain of soda boxes came down. That warning would have been helpful, say, before the tower of soda came crashing down. The soda display was completely destroyed, two boxes of Diet Coke broke open, and several cans had come lose and were spraying soda everywhere. It was just....a disaster. We cleaned it up, and by we, I mean the boys and the two guys who worked there. I think I wandered off to find paper towels and tried to keep myself from crying. Again I found myself apologizing profusely. It always ends with me apologizing... At the time, I honestly didn't understand why the workers were laughing, or why they didn‘t make me pay for the damage... Actually, I still don’t understand why. I do remember the boys wanting to go to Michael's afterwards to buy bubble wrap. So they could put me in it. With my luck, it would have only made things worse...
The only comfort I found that day was back at CD’s house. We were watching a movie in his basement, and someone had yelled at me for putting my slurpee too close to CD’s Wii. That was a legit concern at this point. I had insisted on defending myself by pointing out the fact that CS had his slurpee next to the Wii as well. I don’t remember who exactly said this, but someone had yelled, “That’s because nothing bad ever happens to CS!” Proud of this exclamation, CS yelled out “YES!” and shoved his fist into the air… and right into the path of an unforgiving ceiling fan. Ha… He’ll never do that again.
Enjoy the winter death trap! I know I won’t….
B
|
