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The Chairs Essay
Posted by The one and only "B"...
on
12:47 PM
(A Note From B: Hello all! This post actually originates from an essay I recently wrote for my college English class. We were focusing on literary narratives, and our teacher asked us to write about something that someone said that changed our lives or perspectives. While the rest of my class wrote papers on letters their dead grandfathers wrote to them, or horrible accidents, or learning their father wasn't really their father, their father was a heroine addict who died five years ago, I was writing my essay on my jersey boys. It's actually because of this essay that we decided to turn our twitter account into a blog. We have too many funny stories to share, and twitter doesn't allow us enough writing space to share them. So here is our first story, we call it The Chairs Theory.)
“Chairs. Chairs are everywhere.” It’s amazing how one simple comment, meant to explain the female psyche, could enlighten me to the inner workings of male and female interactions. Not to mention, it has turned into one of the most hilariously insightful statements I have ever heard. The Chairs Theory is a current running joke amongst my friends and I. What does this comment mean? Where did it originate from? Well, it all started two years ago in my friend’s basement.
It was the beginning of a blistering hot summer, when I came home from Colorado to visit my family and some of my high school friends. My group of friends mainly consisted of a group of boys who were obsessed with videogames, reading comic books, and listening to 70’s rock music. Generally we use simple communications with each other. For example, if we are planning to do something, one of us will send out a mass text that says something like, “7-11 at 9:30.” Easy and to the point, it’s not so much an invitation as it is a demanded attendance. That’s how the boys viewed it at least.
Unfortunately for my tact lacking friend, “A”, it is because of this system that he landed himself into a whole lot of trouble. Although the main group of our friends were the boys and myself, they usually forget that the girls like to hang out as well. The girls being “E” and “Am”, who are two of our friend’s girlfriends.
It was a usual day for the Holmdel boys, "A" sent out a mass text to all the guys inviting them over to his house to play Mario Kart on his Wii. Key word in that last sentence, “guys”. At first it was just myself, "A", and our friend “C”, who is known for his boisterous personality. We were having a good time eating a leftover calzone from the night before, and training ourselves for what we thought would be an afternoon of gaming. Some time after the text was sent, our friends “Dm” and “Cd” shuffled in. “Dm” settled himself cross-legged on the floor, while “Cd” plopped himself into the smaller couch facing the TV. We exchanged hello’s, and I asked where the girls were. “Oh, they’re outside.” “Cd” replied nonchalantly.
“Well, why don’t they come in?” I asked awkwardly. I knew the inner workings of the girls. If they weren’t coming inside, it was most likely because someone was in trouble with them. I was just hoping that someone in trouble wasn’t me.
“Dm” laughed, “Cause they think they weren’t invited.”
Relieved I was out of the line of fire, I let “Dm’s” words process for a second. Slowly I turned towards "A", “You didn’t invited the girls over?”
He shrugged, “I didn’t think it was necessary. I mean, they are always with Cd and Dm, so I figured they would just come along. Besides, they don’t even like playing videogames.”
I stared at "A" for a minute, “You’re an idiot.” I stated shaking my head, as I got up off the couch and walked outside. Sure enough, “Am” and “E” were sitting outside on the curb. I made polite conversation with them, asked them how things were, then breached the subject of them actually entering "A’s” house to hang out. I tried to explain to them that "A" just assumed that they would come along, but they didn’t want to listen. They very resentfully kept repeating that they weren’t invited, and that they would prefer to sit outside, and eat their pizza that they had brought over.
Defeated, I dragged myself back into the house. “Go fix this.” I said to "A" as I collapsed on the couch, “It’s like, a thousand degrees out there. Go invite them in before they have a heat stroke.”
"A" looked dumbstruck, “But? But why? Why can’t you make them come in?” he whined.
I stared him down, “Because it’s your house, and you’re the idiot who didn’t text them to come over. Now go outside, and invite them in. You’re a big boy, you can handle it.” I said as I shifted myself into a more comfortable position on the couch.
“This is ridiculous! I shouldn’t have to go outside and ask them to come in! They should just come in! Why do girls have to be so dramatic!” "A" fumed as he stomped out to find the girls.
Eventually after some coaxing, and excessive apologizing, "A" finally got the girls to come inside. Of course they didn’t stay long because, like "A" said, they didn’t have any interest in playing videogames. Although they did, much to my amusement, stick around long enough to make a lot of underlining jabs at "A" before leaving.
Eventually night had come, and "A" couldn’t let the incident go. All day he flustered about how ridiculous girls are, and how stupid it was for them to be mad. As our usual nightly tradition, we made our way to our haunt at the 7-11 off of route 35. It was there, leaning against the old brown brick building, and years of aged gum covered sidewalks, that "A" decided he was going to drag out the topic once again. As if it hadn’t been brutalized enough already. “I don’t understand it! I mean, they were with Dm and Cd! Why did I need to send another text to invite the girls over?” He exclaimed, flailing his arms as he spoke to show his frustration.
“Because, A.” I sighed as I rubbed my temples, tired from explaining the same topic, “The girls want to feel like they are a part of the group. In order for them to feel like they are a part of the group, you have to invite them to things. As in, you have to actually send a text to them. You can’t just send a text to Cd and Dm, and expect them to know that they are invited too.”
“Well why not?! That’s the common sense thing to assume!” "A" shouted, red in the face.
“Okay, let me try to use another example,” I said, “It’s like how I don’t like being called ‘one of the boys’. Yes, I may be one of the boys, but I still want to have my own title. That’s why when we are talking about ourselves, we say ‘the boys and B’.”
“Yeah, I don’t understand that one either.” "A" said point blank.
“That’s it! I give up!” I exclaimed as I threw my hands in the air.
“C” held up his hands to settle us all down, “Okay. Okay.” He turned to "A", “A, let me try to explain this to you. When guys are in an argument, we use logic, right? Well girls don’t use logic. They are illogical, and they don’t argue the way we do. So, for example, what does two plus two equal?”
“Two plus two equals four.” "A" replied simply.
“Oh yeah! Well chairs, A! Chairs are everywhere!” “C” hollered back, mimicking a girls voice.
“But… But that doesn’t have anything to do with what two plus two is.” "A" said frustratedly, and furiously ran his hands through his hair.
“Doesn’t matter, A. I win! CHAIRS! CHAIRS ARE EVERYWHERE! And you can‘t prove that they aren‘t because just about ANYTHING can be turned into a chair!” “C” screamed.
“Yeah! Like this curb I’m sitting on! It’s a chair!” I chimed in.
“No it’s not! It’s a curb!” "A" snapped.
“C” laughed, “Nope, A, it’s definitely a chair! Just because B said so.”
“YOU KNOW WHAT! FUCK THIS! FUCK CHAIRS! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” "A" hollered as he stormed off, leaving the rest of us laughing hysterically at his retreating figure.
Since then, I have explained The Chairs Theory to many of my friends, both guys and girls. I’ve come to the conclusion that this theory is correct, due to the fact that every guy I’ve told understands it. While every girl stares blankly at me and says, “I don’t get it”. Upon reflecting on “C’s” words, this example of how guys and girls interact with each other is how I deal with both genders. When in a disagreement or argument with a boy, I use logic to explain to them why they are wrong. With girls, it’s basically whoever is the last person standing. When girls argue, it’s not a matter of whether or not it makes sense, it’s a matter of how can I end this argument and still be right.
This is why the Chairs argument has enlightened me. A guy can go into an argument and say “Two plus two equals four.” Yet when the girl replies, “Oh yeah? Well chairs are everywhere.” the argument is over. It doesn’t matter if what the guy says is logical, all the guy needs to know is that whatever the girl says is going to be right. No matter what. Even to this day, my friends and I still laugh about the argument that “C” staged with "A". It is still unclear whether or not "A" understands the concept. Yet, whenever a girl we know does something completely illogical, we all look at each other and say, “Chairs, man. Chairs are everywhere.”
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“Chairs. Chairs are everywhere.” It’s amazing how one simple comment, meant to explain the female psyche, could enlighten me to the inner workings of male and female interactions. Not to mention, it has turned into one of the most hilariously insightful statements I have ever heard. The Chairs Theory is a current running joke amongst my friends and I. What does this comment mean? Where did it originate from? Well, it all started two years ago in my friend’s basement.
It was the beginning of a blistering hot summer, when I came home from Colorado to visit my family and some of my high school friends. My group of friends mainly consisted of a group of boys who were obsessed with videogames, reading comic books, and listening to 70’s rock music. Generally we use simple communications with each other. For example, if we are planning to do something, one of us will send out a mass text that says something like, “7-11 at 9:30.” Easy and to the point, it’s not so much an invitation as it is a demanded attendance. That’s how the boys viewed it at least.
Unfortunately for my tact lacking friend, “A”, it is because of this system that he landed himself into a whole lot of trouble. Although the main group of our friends were the boys and myself, they usually forget that the girls like to hang out as well. The girls being “E” and “Am”, who are two of our friend’s girlfriends.
It was a usual day for the Holmdel boys, "A" sent out a mass text to all the guys inviting them over to his house to play Mario Kart on his Wii. Key word in that last sentence, “guys”. At first it was just myself, "A", and our friend “C”, who is known for his boisterous personality. We were having a good time eating a leftover calzone from the night before, and training ourselves for what we thought would be an afternoon of gaming. Some time after the text was sent, our friends “Dm” and “Cd” shuffled in. “Dm” settled himself cross-legged on the floor, while “Cd” plopped himself into the smaller couch facing the TV. We exchanged hello’s, and I asked where the girls were. “Oh, they’re outside.” “Cd” replied nonchalantly.
“Well, why don’t they come in?” I asked awkwardly. I knew the inner workings of the girls. If they weren’t coming inside, it was most likely because someone was in trouble with them. I was just hoping that someone in trouble wasn’t me.
“Dm” laughed, “Cause they think they weren’t invited.”
Relieved I was out of the line of fire, I let “Dm’s” words process for a second. Slowly I turned towards "A", “You didn’t invited the girls over?”
He shrugged, “I didn’t think it was necessary. I mean, they are always with Cd and Dm, so I figured they would just come along. Besides, they don’t even like playing videogames.”
I stared at "A" for a minute, “You’re an idiot.” I stated shaking my head, as I got up off the couch and walked outside. Sure enough, “Am” and “E” were sitting outside on the curb. I made polite conversation with them, asked them how things were, then breached the subject of them actually entering "A’s” house to hang out. I tried to explain to them that "A" just assumed that they would come along, but they didn’t want to listen. They very resentfully kept repeating that they weren’t invited, and that they would prefer to sit outside, and eat their pizza that they had brought over.
Defeated, I dragged myself back into the house. “Go fix this.” I said to "A" as I collapsed on the couch, “It’s like, a thousand degrees out there. Go invite them in before they have a heat stroke.”
"A" looked dumbstruck, “But? But why? Why can’t you make them come in?” he whined.
I stared him down, “Because it’s your house, and you’re the idiot who didn’t text them to come over. Now go outside, and invite them in. You’re a big boy, you can handle it.” I said as I shifted myself into a more comfortable position on the couch.
“This is ridiculous! I shouldn’t have to go outside and ask them to come in! They should just come in! Why do girls have to be so dramatic!” "A" fumed as he stomped out to find the girls.
Eventually after some coaxing, and excessive apologizing, "A" finally got the girls to come inside. Of course they didn’t stay long because, like "A" said, they didn’t have any interest in playing videogames. Although they did, much to my amusement, stick around long enough to make a lot of underlining jabs at "A" before leaving.
Eventually night had come, and "A" couldn’t let the incident go. All day he flustered about how ridiculous girls are, and how stupid it was for them to be mad. As our usual nightly tradition, we made our way to our haunt at the 7-11 off of route 35. It was there, leaning against the old brown brick building, and years of aged gum covered sidewalks, that "A" decided he was going to drag out the topic once again. As if it hadn’t been brutalized enough already. “I don’t understand it! I mean, they were with Dm and Cd! Why did I need to send another text to invite the girls over?” He exclaimed, flailing his arms as he spoke to show his frustration.
“Because, A.” I sighed as I rubbed my temples, tired from explaining the same topic, “The girls want to feel like they are a part of the group. In order for them to feel like they are a part of the group, you have to invite them to things. As in, you have to actually send a text to them. You can’t just send a text to Cd and Dm, and expect them to know that they are invited too.”
“Well why not?! That’s the common sense thing to assume!” "A" shouted, red in the face.
“Okay, let me try to use another example,” I said, “It’s like how I don’t like being called ‘one of the boys’. Yes, I may be one of the boys, but I still want to have my own title. That’s why when we are talking about ourselves, we say ‘the boys and B’.”
“Yeah, I don’t understand that one either.” "A" said point blank.
“That’s it! I give up!” I exclaimed as I threw my hands in the air.
“C” held up his hands to settle us all down, “Okay. Okay.” He turned to "A", “A, let me try to explain this to you. When guys are in an argument, we use logic, right? Well girls don’t use logic. They are illogical, and they don’t argue the way we do. So, for example, what does two plus two equal?”
“Two plus two equals four.” "A" replied simply.
“Oh yeah! Well chairs, A! Chairs are everywhere!” “C” hollered back, mimicking a girls voice.
“But… But that doesn’t have anything to do with what two plus two is.” "A" said frustratedly, and furiously ran his hands through his hair.
“Doesn’t matter, A. I win! CHAIRS! CHAIRS ARE EVERYWHERE! And you can‘t prove that they aren‘t because just about ANYTHING can be turned into a chair!” “C” screamed.
“Yeah! Like this curb I’m sitting on! It’s a chair!” I chimed in.
“No it’s not! It’s a curb!” "A" snapped.
“C” laughed, “Nope, A, it’s definitely a chair! Just because B said so.”
“YOU KNOW WHAT! FUCK THIS! FUCK CHAIRS! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” "A" hollered as he stormed off, leaving the rest of us laughing hysterically at his retreating figure.
Since then, I have explained The Chairs Theory to many of my friends, both guys and girls. I’ve come to the conclusion that this theory is correct, due to the fact that every guy I’ve told understands it. While every girl stares blankly at me and says, “I don’t get it”. Upon reflecting on “C’s” words, this example of how guys and girls interact with each other is how I deal with both genders. When in a disagreement or argument with a boy, I use logic to explain to them why they are wrong. With girls, it’s basically whoever is the last person standing. When girls argue, it’s not a matter of whether or not it makes sense, it’s a matter of how can I end this argument and still be right.
This is why the Chairs argument has enlightened me. A guy can go into an argument and say “Two plus two equals four.” Yet when the girl replies, “Oh yeah? Well chairs are everywhere.” the argument is over. It doesn’t matter if what the guy says is logical, all the guy needs to know is that whatever the girl says is going to be right. No matter what. Even to this day, my friends and I still laugh about the argument that “C” staged with "A". It is still unclear whether or not "A" understands the concept. Yet, whenever a girl we know does something completely illogical, we all look at each other and say, “Chairs, man. Chairs are everywhere.”
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