People I Don't Like

On my commute to and from work everyday, I normally walk round trip from Port Authority Bus Terminal to my office. Although I'm never really in a hurry, I like to move quickly. I am a stickler for being on time (when I was young, my mom made me late to everything), so I walk pretty aggressively for no particular reason. I'm sure some people left in my wake think that I'm a jerk for blowing by them (and occasionally cutting them off). Fortunately for our relationship (or lack thereof), I don't like them either. Here are the people I don't like:

1) Old People: Why are you walking the streets at 8:30 am? You should be retired and/or sleeping. I'm sorry for being harsh. I know you've had a tough life. Worse, you are old, which cannot be cool. But please understand, I'm in a hurry. You are in the way. I don't to hurt you, and I will do my best not to. But if it's the difference between making the 5:30 pm bus and having to wait for the 5:45, you are going down.

2) Lingers: You are the people that linger in the middle of the sidewalk or near the curb. I am trying to walk quickly, and you are just standing there. Maybe you are texting. Maybe you are laughing at a joke you heard at lunch. Maybe you are wondering whether you can make it to the bathroom in time. Frankly, I don't care. You don't seem to understand that people use sidewalks for walking. If you are motionless in midtown Manhattan, there are probably people quickly approaching you from all directions. Sometimes, you like to stand near the curb when its time to cross the street. Who knows why you've decided that you're not ready to cross... Whatever the reason, you are in the way. And because you are in my way, I am in somebody else's way. And so on and so on. You are the reason the economy sucks. Nobody can get to work because of you.

3) Drifters: You are a different breed. Moving is important to you. You have places to go and people to see. Sometimes you move quickly, sometimes you don't. Unfortunately, you have not yet mastered walking in a straight line. I don't know when they taught that (I'm thinking 3rd grade), but you obviously were sick that day (more likely missed the bus because you couldn't walk to the bus stop in time). One of your favorite activities is to drift slowly towards a barrier so that the person behind you can watch as the window of opportunity to pass you closes. I have to choose between staying stuck behind you or trying to slip by you with the risk of being slammed into a wall or oncoming traffic.

4) Tourists: All of them.

5) AWT (aka Adults Who Text): You are an interesting bunch. You are trying to hang onto your childhood by learning to text. Now that my back hurts regularly, I don't blame you for wanting to feel young again. However, don't take the texting tutorial while walking to work. Do it on the train or at your desk where it's safe. Texting without proper training and focus can be very, very dangerous. Autocorrect is a bitch...

6) Bicyclists: For some reason, you do not think the rules of the road apply to you. You seem to think that red lights are meant only for gasoline powered vehicles. When the bright illuminated walking man appears on the other side of the street, you naturally assume that pedestrians know that it's time to walk, unless a bicycle needs to get through. In that case, get out of the way, because my bike can take your legs, torso, and head.

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I am guilty of many of the grave offenses I've listed above. Obviously, my rules only apply to other people. I have important places to be.

D

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