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Plans & futures...
Posted by The one and only "B"...
on
4:14 PM
Hello world...
Today I'm kind of in a shitty mood. Maybe part of it is the fact that I haven't really slept in the past month, or it's because I haven't had a cigarette all day. Or maybe it's the fact that I haven't been feeling well, or because I'm now at work and I have nothing to do. Actually it's probably all of those things that I've listed.
Recently I feel like I've been stuck on the tilt-a-whirl. Constantly going through the same patterns and circular motions, until I am sufficiently dizzy and slightly nauseous. I guess I don't have to worry about it much longer, because it looks like my little ride on the tilt-a-whirl has made a turn for the worst, and I've been derailed. I moved back to jersey so I could figure things out. So I could go back to school and make something of myself. I've hit a road block though, my next semester is rapidly approaching, and I don't have the money for classes. So I'm stressed out, overwhelmed, and seriously upset. Neither of my parents are actively involved in my life. They have their separate families, and I am pretty much on my own. Im not a trust fund kid, I so wish I was. My family does well for themselves, but we aren't exactly rolling in the green. My grandparents are gracious enough to let me stay with them, but I can't live with them forever. My only option at this point is student loans, and I really don't want to be in debt. What other option do I have? Short of robbing a bank (which I couldn't pull off) or becoming a prostitute (against my moral code), I have no other option.
I think what has been bothering me even more, is the fact that our group dynamic is beginning to change. In some ways the change was subtle and happened before I even realized what was happening. In other ways it was obnoxious, annoying, and deserving of an ass kicking. The situations dont really matter as much as the end result.
Last night, I stood outside in the pouring rain for over a half hour, staring out into the woods that fence in our property. I had no epiphany, no miracle, no life altering event. None of my problems solved themselves. No dreams came true. No wishes were granted. It was just me, alone, in the rain. Since I was a little girl, I always thought that if I was really good, then good things would happen to me. Now that I'm older, I feel a little jaded because I've been good, and I feel like my whole life has been one battle after the other.
Last night, I accepted that change is inevitable. Sometimes it's painful, and it breaks your heart. Sometimes you hurt people, intentional or not. Sometimes amazing things happen to you, and sometimes the world knocks you down on your ass. Life is scary. Growing up is scary. Change is terrifying. You just have to roll with the punches.
No one can ever make you feel inferior, because what is normal isn't always what is right for you. As cliche as it sounds, you have to stay true to yourself. Somehow, some way, things will work out. Maybe not in the way that you hoped or dreamed, but that's alright
Everything is alright.
Love from,
Stay weird my friends.
B
|
Today I'm kind of in a shitty mood. Maybe part of it is the fact that I haven't really slept in the past month, or it's because I haven't had a cigarette all day. Or maybe it's the fact that I haven't been feeling well, or because I'm now at work and I have nothing to do. Actually it's probably all of those things that I've listed.
Recently I feel like I've been stuck on the tilt-a-whirl. Constantly going through the same patterns and circular motions, until I am sufficiently dizzy and slightly nauseous. I guess I don't have to worry about it much longer, because it looks like my little ride on the tilt-a-whirl has made a turn for the worst, and I've been derailed. I moved back to jersey so I could figure things out. So I could go back to school and make something of myself. I've hit a road block though, my next semester is rapidly approaching, and I don't have the money for classes. So I'm stressed out, overwhelmed, and seriously upset. Neither of my parents are actively involved in my life. They have their separate families, and I am pretty much on my own. Im not a trust fund kid, I so wish I was. My family does well for themselves, but we aren't exactly rolling in the green. My grandparents are gracious enough to let me stay with them, but I can't live with them forever. My only option at this point is student loans, and I really don't want to be in debt. What other option do I have? Short of robbing a bank (which I couldn't pull off) or becoming a prostitute (against my moral code), I have no other option.
I think what has been bothering me even more, is the fact that our group dynamic is beginning to change. In some ways the change was subtle and happened before I even realized what was happening. In other ways it was obnoxious, annoying, and deserving of an ass kicking. The situations dont really matter as much as the end result.
Last night, I stood outside in the pouring rain for over a half hour, staring out into the woods that fence in our property. I had no epiphany, no miracle, no life altering event. None of my problems solved themselves. No dreams came true. No wishes were granted. It was just me, alone, in the rain. Since I was a little girl, I always thought that if I was really good, then good things would happen to me. Now that I'm older, I feel a little jaded because I've been good, and I feel like my whole life has been one battle after the other.
Last night, I accepted that change is inevitable. Sometimes it's painful, and it breaks your heart. Sometimes you hurt people, intentional or not. Sometimes amazing things happen to you, and sometimes the world knocks you down on your ass. Life is scary. Growing up is scary. Change is terrifying. You just have to roll with the punches.
No one can ever make you feel inferior, because what is normal isn't always what is right for you. As cliche as it sounds, you have to stay true to yourself. Somehow, some way, things will work out. Maybe not in the way that you hoped or dreamed, but that's alright
Everything is alright.
Love from,
Stay weird my friends.
B
|
