I'm Not...
… much of a gambler. The weight of guilt always crashes down on me whenever I put my hard earned money on “anything” with the obvious intent of trying to gain more. Then with a roll of the dice or a flip of a card, it’s gone and the time I spent trying to earn it might as well be gone to. Some people thrive on the rush that gambling provides, like a drug. But like any drug, it’ll one day eat up all your money, contaminate your soul, and isolate you from the ones you love. I can’t afford to gamble with my money because for the past few years it’s been going to better things, like helping my parents with house payments (dad’s been out of work for years and my mom works on commission) as they look for a smaller and more affordable home. I haven’t been the world’s greatest son but it’s comforting to know that I’ve been able to give back to them in some way. But at the same time, I’ve realized that I have a gambling problem of my own.
This summer has been one of change for me. I’ve kicked an old habit that brought more anxiety to my life than good. It turned me into a zombie as I convinced myself that it was all I had to look forward to at the end of a stressful day. For the past few days, I’ve openly said no and I’m proud of myself (even if it excludes me in the end). Unfortunately, I’ve become aware of a new habit which is likely to turn into a real problem if it persists any longer. I’ve been drinking as long as I’ve been able to drive and lately the two have been crossing paths more and more frequently. There’s no bragging here, there’s nothing cool about it and it damn sure ain’t fun! It’s stupidity on overdrive! Three years ago, a friend of mine who I work with had made driving drunk an everyday thing until one night shit finally hit the fan and she flipped her car over and fractured her wrist. She’s lucky that’s all it was, but it was a wakeup call for her. It’s too bad the call had to come so late.
Three nights ago, the phone rang and I answered the call. I can only assume that someone was watching over me because it was a complete and total miracle that I even made it home. When you can’t remember the drive itself, getting home, getting into bed, and why your pants are only half off then it’s time to start rethinking some of the decisions you’ve been making. If I won’t gamble with a mere petty object like money, then why should I be doing it with my own life? For me, getting older has been about realizing just how wrong I’ve been all these years. People tell me that I’m too hard on myself but if I can’t be hard on myself, then who’s going to call me out when things go south or when I act like a dumbass? I’ll beat myself black and blue if it means living to see another day!
Till next time, let us rock in peace…
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