Companionship...

When I was a lot younger, the prospects of having a good relationship in my future was something I had seemingly taken for granted. “It’ll happen one day,” was the phrase my mind would repeat back to me and I believed it for all too long. Only over the past couple of years have I finally stopped believing in it because it probably won’t. And I get it! My hair’s long and I’m a little on the skinny side. I’ll never be prime boyfriend material. I’m more annoyed at myself by the fact that I always seem to do so much to show specific people that maybe someone does care about them but in the end it matters little. At least that’s how my story typically goes.

When I was young, I used to imagine who “the one” could possibly be. Would I meet her in high school or would I meet her in college (I never went, so maybe I missed out already)? Would she be someone who lived in my hometown or was she possibly living in a different part of the country (the world even)? Have our eyes already met or are they being reflected back to one another in the surface of the moon? These questions which have plagued my being for the past three years (even more so this past one) have reduced me to a mere shell of the person that I once was. I’m losing my job soon, so that REALLY helps! One time I had all the confidence in the world but now I’ve been stripped of it and I’ve failed to recapture it as time marches mercilessly onward.

I had an old habit that used to be a lot of fun until it started to wear thin on me. Having kept with it for nearly six years (never really missed a day either) I considered myself a lifer. Only recently has my love for the magical leaf gone completely south. This is mostly because it’s failed to get my mind off of the things that have been bothering me. I used to toke up and my cares would cease to exist for that time and it was great. Unfortunately, the problems I have with myself have consumed me to the point where there is no longer any peace in my mind. Just now have I realized that I’ve become nothing but a dog chasing his own tail, day in and day out.

The funny part is that I seem to willingly allow myself to be tortured by these “special” people. I could’ve hung it up and called it quits anytime I wanted to. But I’m a fool and I’ll find myself getting dragged along for a little bit. I’m not a “loveably foolish” fool either but a fool who keeps on fooling himself. We all want that one person to wake up and realize that they’ve had a great thing (whether they believe it or not) sitting right in front of them. That they’ll realize you’ve been trying to help them regain a flame of their own. But around and around the dog goes, chasing his tail once again. Like I always do (things do work out, sometimes).

This all probably sounds pretty selfish, right? Maybe even a little pathetic? Well, everyone feels this way when it comes to a person that they’ve developed intense, burning feelings for that are completely ignored. So I’m not as selfish as this all sounds. We’ve all been there (some people more than others)! What is it with human beings and companionship? Are we that weak on our own? For the past few years, I never thought so but I guess I’ve been wrong. I’m not talking about just being friends either but the desire to have something more. You can only have so many petty relationships before you start to want something better. To have a bond based on a deeper level of trust and the belief that that person won’t let you down. Someone to care about, someone to deal with the rough times, someone to love…

Embarrassing myself for the masses once again, I don’t really care what anyone thinks of this. Apparently, I’m no good at talking about this kind of shit so I dumped a little bit of it off here. You don’t have to like it but I know I’m not alone out there. Sometimes I wish I were funnier but I guess I lost my sense of humor somewhere down the road as well. Oh well, gotta be a little clear headed before working this golf outing that goes on for three fucking days! It should be a fun weekend considering my boss fired a couple of people this past week. Yes… longer shifts!

Will I ever rock in peace…

“It’ll happen one day…”

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