Hello world...
Today I am feeling a little melancholy. Maybe it's the cloud covered sky, or the fact that I'm really tired. Maybe it's because I'm annoyed that I just had to use my money for coffee on gas, and therefor my lack of caffeine has set off some kind of imbalance within me. I'm not quite sure, but I've decided to turn this bleh mood into something constructive.
So welcome world, to my explanation that is the curse of all girls! (I actually have the boys to thank for this blog post idea. Mainly from the other night when R was joking about how girls are lucky cause we get to experience the wonders of childbearing. I think he might change his opinion after reading some of this...)
Which brings me now to the curse of all things that have to do with babies...
Little girls have been trained since birth to take care of babies. Back then, we thought it was cute. Carrying our little baby dolls around, pretending to feed them or change them. Only back then, it didn't really matter if you held your baby by the arm, and accidentally smacked it into door frames or walls. Unless you got one of those dolls that was supposed to be life like, and would cry at any given moment. Then you learned real quick that your fake baby did not appreciate it. They did, on the other hand, enjoy being thrown into the air. Which why they'd love being thrown ten feet into the air is beyond you, but hey! The damn thing stopped crying. Unless you threw it too hard, and didn't give yourself enough time to catch it. You also learned real quick that the baby had an off switch, and that if you didn't turn it off at night, you'd wake up to the sound of your stupid baby doll crying at one in the morning. Throwing pillows at it to make it stop would never work, so you'd have to get up out of bed to turn the damn thing off.
Back then, you still probably thought that storks brought babies, or you actually knew where they came from, and thought the baby magically came out when it was ready. No one warned you! They just brainwashed you into believing that babies were awesome! Then you hit 5th grade, and they decide to split the guys and girls up into separate rooms where you get to watch a movie about what we will soon be introduced to in your preteen years. Which none of you are mature enough to watch, and you spend most of it laughing. Mainly at the guys expense...
Although some of the girls in your class seem to have already hit puberty in the third grade, you're apparently a late bloomer and have no idea what's in store for you. Sure, eventually you'll get boobs, and that seems awesome, but no one tells you about what a bitch mother nature is to you once a month, and that you should avoid wearing white pants. Even though the video explains it all to you, no one really prepairs you for the first time you start bleeding and have no freaking idea why. Lucky for you, that won't happen until you're older and slightly more mature enough to deal with that freakin nightmare.
Suddenly though, you're in middle school, and if that didn't suck already, it seems like every girl is in competition with each other to see who's boobs were the biggest, and who got their period first. Some girls even go as far as to lie about it, because they want to fit in. While you might find this incredibly stupid, your friends will probably laugh at you cause you're still in a training bra in 7th grade, and they just moved into a B cup. Don't worry though, you'll get the last laugh eventually when yours end up being bigger than theirs. Unfortunately, that won't be for a few years, or maybe some of your friends will end up being DD's, which is still great for you. They have to deal with the back pain, and you don't. At this point though, none of you know what's really in store for you.
Eventually you start getting closer to going to high school. You start earning money as a baby sitter, and if you're lucky enough to live in Utah, that means you'll be babysitting a multitude of kids for ten, maybe fifteen bucks an hour. You start thinking, how bad can having kids be? This lady has seven of them! Then it's your Junior year and you find yourself enrolled in a mandatory health class. While at first it seems funny to be learning about the reproductive system, because you're entire class enjoys screaming out "PENIS" every time your teacher asks you what a specific organ is. Eventually you get to watch the miracle of life video, where some woman is screaming in pain as blood and shit flies everywhere! Then you find yourself screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!" and swearing that this movie is really some kind of horror film. Lucky for you lunch is next... Yeah, like you'll be eating after seeing that. You'll wish that you had skipped class or stayed home sick. God knows you feel sick now.
Eventually the day will be over, and you'll confront your mother about what you've just seen. If you're stupid, you'll probably ask her about all this after she's had a few glasses of wine, and feeling more open to telling you the story of your birth. Which apparently consisted of four days of labor, and twenty-seven stitches. Fuck. That. Then she'll tell you that that is why she had a c-section for your sister, and god knows you can't blame her for that. You'll spend the rest of the night being jumpy and randomly shuddering with a look of absolute terror on your face.
As if all of this wasn't bad enough already, you learn a few years later what a pap smear is and what it all entails. I won't go into the details of that awesomeness, but I will say that it will leave you in pain and feeling seriously violated. Much like the first time you have sex. Well, maybe not so much the violated part, but it does hurt the first time and it's not that enjoyable. At least that eventually gets better, the pap smears though. They never do.
If you're smart, you'll want to avoid getting preggers for as long as possible, which means you'll probably get on birth control. If you're lucky, you won't be allergic to the normal types of BC. Meaning the pill, which isn't always that reliable because you have to remember to take the damn pill once a day, god help you if you dont. Oh and did I mention the lovely side effects? It makes you gain weight. There's also the IUD option, which has a tendency of either not working or getting lost. Super! If you are allergic to the regular form of BC, and have a mistrust of IUD's, there's always the implanon. Which has to be surgically forced into your arm. Good news is, you don't have your period for three years. You do have a weird two inch rod in your arm though.
Now that I've probably sufficiently scarred a few of you, I am done with my rant. Perhaps R will reconsider his previous statement. Then again, it's probably easy to suggest wanting to have kids when you aren't the one pushing a watermelon out of your vajay-jay.
Love from,
Guys have it so fucking easy. They don't have to worry about womanly problems, and they don't have to look pretty while dealing with it. Fuck you.
B
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