Char's Rosetta Stone for Women

Being the resident gay advisor or RGA up here at my college, I have found that guys sometimes are at a lost when it comes to the opposite sex. Thus, I am beginning a short segment on things guys should avoid doing.

1. Make fun of her appearance. This includes but is not limited to hair, face, body, or clothes. Seriously, don't. Let the gay guys do that.

2. Overuse sarcasm. It's one thing to joke, its another thing to use sarcasm as a second language.

3. Flirt with other girls. It doesn't make you more appealing, it makes you look like an asshole.

4. Make promises you can't keep. If you can't follow through, don't bother opening your mouth.

5. Cheat. Never in any way will you get away with it. Especially if your girl has a GBF (Gay Best Friend), that shit will come back and haunt you like some horrible herpes outbreak.

6. Say "I love you" when you don't mean it. Women are programmed differently than men. Before saying this, say to yourself "If this girl gained 300 lbs., would you still love her?"

7. Lie. You will get caught. Don't ever under any circumstance try to keep a lie going with a girl. It will not work.

8. Deny things that are true. If a girl confronts you about something, she knows the truth. Its a female's test on men. Denying it makes it worse. Best action: Grow some balls and own up to it.

9. Pressure her. If she wants to do something with you, she will.

10. Talk about other girls. Don't say they're hot, pretty, or even nice. Women are jealous and insecure creatures who constantly judge themselves against every woman they come across. Don't add fuel to the fire, because you'll end up burning yourself.

11. Talk to her about past exes. If you're saying nice stuff, women will assume you still like them. If you say shit, they'll assume you'll do the same about her. Unless she brings up the subject, don't bring up the subject. If she does ask, just say "We were growing in different directions"

12. Say shit behind her back. No matter how much you try to keep it a secret, she will hear about it.

13. Be a dick to her in front of her friends. They might think it's funny, but she won't. Good luck getting lucky then.

14. Try to make it look like something was her fault. Just picture a female black widow spider biting off the head of her mate. This is what happens .

15. Make excuses. If you screw up, own up to it. That's what men do.

16. Joke about wanting to break up. It won't be taken as a joke, and you'll be single before you can tell her you were kidding. This also goes for joking about threesomes.

17. Tell her she is overreacting. If you thought she was mad before, prepare to meet the she-beast from hell.

18. Talk to her when you're mad. You will screw something up and end up regretting it.

19. Ask why she's mad at you. Say you were wrong and apologize. Do not say you didn't do anything wrong. If she's mad at you, you did something wrong in her eyes. It's best for both parties to have clear heads before partitioning blame.

20. Go to parties or hang out with other girls without your girlfriend. No matter how much she trusts you, she will be worried. Also take yourself out of temptations grasps.

Follow these simple instructions and you will be deemed great boy friend material. I have several straight guy friends I've coached and ended up with beautiful girlfriends who can't find a single fault with them. I've also seen and heard tons of break up stories and reasons why a particular guy was an asshole. I realize this is twice as much as the ten commandments, but good girlfriends come with high standards.

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