Safe & Sound...

This song makes me think about this girl I used to know. Her name was Alexis, and she died two days before her 18th birthday. Her memory haunts me sometimes, mostly in nightmares, or when I reveal too much about her past. If you knew her back then, you'd never know that things were less than perfect for her if you saw her at school. She was always smiling, busy with AP classes and extra-curricular activities, and surrounded by friends. No one knew that she was living a double life. That the person she was at school was dramatically different then the person she was at home. 

It's hard for me to talk about her still, because sometimes I wish I could bring her back. Despite the challenges she faced, she held on to her innocence. At times it almost came across as naivety. I'm proud of that girl though, because she believed she deserved better than the hand she had been dealt. She believed that one day she'd fly away from all the hurt, pain, and bitterness. I wish I could go back in time and tell her that the sacrifices she made would one day be worth it. That one day things would be better. That no one would ever hurt her again. She gave up everything without even knowing it. In one moment of bravery, she stood up for herself for the first and last time. 

I wish I could go back to that moment, right before the screaming stopped, before she stopped breathing, before everything went dark, and tell her that it was worth it. That three months later a new girl would be born in a new state, in a new town, surrounded by new friends who would never know a girl named Alexis. I wish I could go back and tell her no one would ever hit her again. That I kept her promise. That she would never have to live a double life again. That she wouldn't have to pretend to be happy all the time, that now she would actually be happy. I wish I could tell her that things with her parents would someday be good, not perfect, but good. I think she'd be happy to know that one day she'd be able to not only feel, but show, all of her emotions. That that would be okay. 

I can't tell her all this though, it isn't possible. Last night, while talking briefly about something I once said in anger to my mom, I thought about Alexis. Just for a second, she crossed my mind. How she would have never said what I said, because she would be too afraid of the consequences. Part of myself was ashamed, the other part still felt like it was deserved. I wonder what Alexis would think of the person I am now. If she would be shocked or proud or envious. Maybe a little bit of all three. 

Last night I woke up crying from a nightmare I had about Alexis. That usually happens around this time of year, because the day of her passing is almost a month away. I try not to think about it, for the most part, but it's not something I can easily erase. Alexis may be dead to the world, but she's still a part of me. You can't erase your past, no matter how hard you try.

Love from, 

The girl formerly know as Alexis

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