5. Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)
In terms of inconsistency, the Hellraiser series is right up there with the Halloween franchise. Except instead of following some borderline soap opera style continuity like Halloween, the Hellraiser movies (part 2 being the only exception) tend to pick up in new places with new characters each time with very little regard for creating a linear timeline. To many fans (both of the series and horror in general), Hellraiser: Bloodline is the dreaded “future-outer space” sequel in which Pinhead and the rest of his demonic cohorts were thrown on the big screen for the last time before the series fell into the straight to video market. In terms of story, this one actually had a lot going for it but when it comes down to executing those ideas it fails miserably. It sucks because this movie actually had a lot of really intriguing ideas and concepts to build on. One more note, why does everyone always insist on smoking on space ships? I mean, I’m a smoker but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.
Bloodline starts off on a space station in the future in which a troubled scientist opens the dreaded Lament Configuration (a puzzle box that when opened also opens the gateway to Hell) in an attempt to draw the demonic cenobites to him. However, a group of soldiers arrive and place him under arrest just as the box is opened. With limited time, the scientist begins to tell the story of his family bloodline and the story goes back to 18th century France where his ancestor (a toymaker) builds the puzzle box for a wealthy aristocrat who is obsessed with black magic. After witnessing a gruesome ritual, the toymaker begins working on the Elysium Configuration to try and destroy the demons but he is killed before he has a chance to complete it. The story then jumps to the present day (1990’s), where the next in the bloodline (an architect) is being targeted by the cenobites. The cenobites track him down and take his family hostage until he can complete the Elysium Configuration so that the gateway to hell can be permanently opened so the cenobites can come and go as they please. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work and it’s up to his wife to send the demons back to hell. This brings us back to the future where the final showdown between century old rivals is about to occur. Whew!
With all that’s going on here, they probably could’ve split this one into two parts so they could better explain everything that’s happening. Several scenes come across as being rushed, considering that there are three different timelines going on at once. I also never liked the fact that Pinhead became so chatty in the later sequels. All he does is ramble for the majority of his screen time which makes him feel more like a cheesy Bond villain than anything else (he’s out to destroy the world too). I liked it better when Pinhead was hell’s silent referee who made sure that those who went there, stayed there! Instead he’s been pushed into the forefront of the story and wants to destroy the world and hold people’s family members for ransom. Yup, sounds like a Bond villain. I also feel like they intentionally trimmed several scenes down to make room for some slapstick violence which definitely hurts this entry, considering how much needed to be fully explained. The Hellraiser series has never been shy when it comes to the nasty red stuff but this one goes completely over the top. It’s too bad the producers felt it necessary to cheapen this one with more violence and action. Another missed opportunity for this franchise.
4. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
While not necessarily “horror,” I feel like it would be a crime if I didn’t write a little bit about this particular masterpiece of modern cinema. Did the original Jaws even need a sequel to begin with? Probably not but when money talks, bullshit walks! While the original film redefined suspense and made people fear the mysteries of the deep blue sea, the sequels mocked that brilliance by giving us so much less. Part of why the original worked so well was because we were allowed to use our imaginations and barely got enough time to see the shark. With each passing sequel, the shark suddenly became the focal point and the suspense was gone. The smaller budgets sure didn’t help either (shark looks like a rubber pool float). Also, are we really supposed to believe that one family could piss a shark off so much that it would follow them from New England to the Bahamas? Oh, and let’s not forget about Michael Caine’s Oscar winning performance as Hoagie the pilot. His clothes also have the power to dry within seconds.
The movie starts on Amity Island during the Holiday Season where Sean Brody (now a cop like his father) is suddenly attacked by a great white shark (which obviously doesn’t mind the freezing cold water) while trying to unhook a piece of driftwood from a channel marker (this shark knows how to set a trap apparently). His distraught mother, thinks the shark is targeting their family (due to their past complications with the species) and decides to go to the Bahamas (your son just died, woman) so that she can visit her oldest son, Michael. Michael is a marine biologist (great career choice dude) who hangs out with some Rastafarians in his spare time when the giant rubber shark suddenly appears in the Bahamas. Meanwhile, his mother begins spending time with a local pilot who’s always looking on the positive end of life (probably runs drugs for a living) and seems to have forgotten all about her son who was viciously mauled by a shark a few days earlier. When the shark starts attacking swimmers (her granddaughter too) Ellen has finally had enough and steals a boat to go after the shark on her own and it’s up to her son, Bob Marley, and Hoagie the Pilot to save the day.
Sometimes, words can’t describe just how bad something really is and this movie is a great example of that. It defies the laws of physics and biology and there is virtually nothing intelligent about this film at all. Hey did you know that sharks can roar (they can’t)? Hey did you know that you can blow a shark up by impaling it on a sharp piece of wood? Hey did you know that sharks have black rubber wires hanging from their stomachs… oh wait. And seriously, what the hell was Michael Caine doing in this? I bet he fired his agent after working on this travesty.
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
Whenever you make a classic, it’s hard to follow it up with something better especially when you’re trying to follow the original Nightmare on Elm Street. With the first having made so much money it was no surprise that the fedora wearing weaver of nightmares would return for another ride on the dream-coaster. However, everything that made the first one a classic is thrown out the window and a new way of approaching the character was taken. Freddy’s Revenge takes Freddy out of the dream world and turns him into a demon that possess’ people so that he can kill people in the real world. In the original, Freddy simply haunted people’s dreams and if he managed to kill you there then you die in real life too. Now he haunts the dreams of a “confused” teenage boy so that he can be reborn as a flesh and blood killer again. I should also mention that this film has the unmistakable reputation of being the “gay” entry in the series.
It’s been five years since Freddy’s original nightmare took place on Elm Street and a new family has since moved into Thompson House. However, their son Jesse is starting to have reoccurring nightmares about a man in a fedora who keeps telling him that he must kill for him so that he can come back to life in the real world. It isn’t long before Jesse starts having homoerotic dreams where he goes to a gay bar and has a borderline S&M encounter with his gym coach until Freddy takes control of the situation (I shit you not). Freaked and confused, Jesse runs to his girlfriend for comfort but ends up bailing out on her so he can sleep at his friends house (more subtext). Unfortunately, Jesse can’t control the demon inside of him any longer and Freddy is reborn where he massacres an entire keg/pool party. It’s up to Jesse’s girlfriend to try and save him from Freddy’s grasp through the power of love.
Some things just need to be seen to be believed and that’s really all I can say about this one. Freddy has been pushed aside and all the focus has been put on a sexually confused kid that he has decided to take advantage of (that sounded weird). There’s virtually no tension to be found here (except sexual) and there’s honestly far more to laugh at in this film than any of the ones that came after it. Like the killer basketballs, Freddy’s kinky locker room antics, the bus ride to hell, Jesse dancing in his room to a peculiar choice of music, the exploding parrot, the pool party massacre, and Jesse screaming like a girl. There’s a reason why men don’t usually play the leads in horror films. I hope they’ve learned something.
2. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
A group of hippies run out of gas in Texas and stay at an abandoned farmhouse where they soon fall prey to a family of cannibalistic nut jobs, one of which carries a chainsaw and wears a mask made of human skin. When a movie is based around such a simple idea, it’s hard to find new ground for sequels to cover. I mean, you can try but will it work? Such is the case with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series which is notorious for its appalling sequels. It got to the point where each film was basically just rehashing the original storyline but with new characters and the same old Leatherface. So what did Part 4 try to do differently? It took Leatherface and set him up with a ragtag bunch of hillbillies that are under the influence of a shady government agent. Did I mention that one of the “family” members has a remote controlled leg or that Leatherface dresses in full drag this time? What about the fact that both Renee Zellweger and Mathew McConaughey are in this piece of trash? Alright, alright, alright!
Four teens leave their high school prom early and end up getting into a car accident on some desolate country road. They split up to find help when they stumble across a nympho insurance agent who calls a tow truck for them, which is driven by some redneck with a mechanical leg. Eventually, the kids are taken to a farmhouse where an entire clan of loonies is awaiting their arrival. One by one they are chased around and tortured by the crazy family with an insatiable lust for pizza. With only one remaining, a couple of dudes in suits show up and start babbling about this government conspiracy based around inspiring fear and horror before the final chase can begin.
Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? This is what happens when you try and over complicate such a simple premise. It’s like connecting Michael Myers to an ancient Celtic curse. That shit doesn’t work! Sometimes simple is just better, folks. So the Texas Chainsaw Massacre goes the route of government conspiracies and hillbillies with remote control limbs? Every character comes off dumber than a sack of gravel and the choices that people make are beyond illogical. Not to mention that every scene that’s supposed to be scary and or fucked up (like any Chainsaw movie should be) ends up looking totally ridiculous. Like the scene where that crazy lady hits that one girl with a stick in the middle of the road or when Leatherface comes out in full drag and yelps like a bitch for the final third of the movie. The only thing worth seeing here is McConaughey’s totally over the top performance as Vilmer, the tow truck driver with the mechanical leg. He had just come off the set of Dazed and Confused and actually manages to throw in a few “alright, alright, alrights.” I’m not kidding. See this one for the sake of hilarity.
1. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Anyone who knows me and my obsession with this genre well enough could’ve probably guessed that I would put this one at the top. Back to the franchise that never ceases to amaze me, Halloween III: Season of the Witch stands at the top of the list for worst Horror Sequel. It’s not even like it’s that bad of a movie. It’s just horribly disappointing because you go into this one expecting to see Michael Myers and Halloween and all that crap and instead you get a movie that features an entirely different plotline and all new characters. Rather than continue the saga of Michael, Laurie, and Dr. Loomis this film stands on its own as a completely original idea. Had this movie just been called Season of the Witch (sorry Nicholas Cage) it probably wouldn’t have made the list at all because I actually like watching this one (another good rainy day movie). Apparently the producers weren’t too keen on doing another film about Michael (why, I don’t know) and so they decided to try and morph the series into a “Twilight Zone” saga, where every Halloween we would get a new movie with an entirely different plot and new characters. Yeah, nice one guys!
An old man clutching a Halloween mask is chased down by a bunch of robots in business suits when he is picked up by a gas station attendant and taken to a hospital. There, he is examined by the drunken chain smoking Dr. Challis who witnesses another man in a suit walking into the hospital, killing the old man, and then setting itself on fire. The old man’s daughter, Ellie, shows up and partners up with Dr. Challis and the two of them decide to investigate the Silver Shamrock Novelties factory which makes the type of mask the old man was holding. Dr. Challis learns quickly that an Irish businessman, Conal Cochran, seems to be pulling the strings around town and keeps the place on lockdown (security cameras, robot guards, and no contact to the outside world). Soon, Ellie is kidnapped by the robot guards and Dr. Challis heads into the factory where he learns that Cochran plans to kill everyone wearing a Silver Shamrock mask when they watch the commercial on TV on Halloween Night. Will Dr. Challis be capable of skipping his next drink so that he can save the world from… masks?
So an evil Irish mask making company is trying to destroy the world with Halloween masks that are activated by a computer chip when a commercial plays on TV (which they play so many times throughout the course of the film that you’ll probably want to kill yourself)? Now I’ve seen everything! On its own, this movie would’ve been fine but for the sake of trying to draw a few more dollars it bares the Halloween name and fans have been spitting on it for years because of that. I really don’t understand the direction change either. Slasher movies were just starting to pick up in terms of their popularity so another entry featuring Michael would’ve been welcomed with open arms by most fans. Instead, we got this. Like I said, this one isn’t all bad and manages to entertain on a rainy day but if you go into this one expecting to see something familiar then take a few steps back because you won’t! At least Halloween 4 managed to get things back on track before Halloween’s 5 and 6 derailed the momentum again with all that druid crap. Damn, that stupid commercial jingle is stuck in my head now!
So that’s that. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my opinions on what the worst sequels in the horror genre are. Keep checking back for my list of best sequels which should be coming around in the next couple of days. Too bad I’m going to be super busy with work and life in general next week, so it might take me a little longer. Oh well, I’m going to be late for work so I’d better be hitting the dusty trail.
Rock in Peace
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