Distracting Myself…
A week ago, I told myself that I was going to try and write something a little more upbeat. Well, it looks like I’m going to have to go back on my word. So… yeah, you’ve been warned.
I woke up this morning (which is bullshit because I haven't slept in three days), knowing full well that by the end of the year my parents planned on downsizing and selling the house that we’ve lived in for twenty years, only to see them rearranging furniture and a big stack of empty cardboard boxes in the front hallway. Bluntly, my mom told me that she plans to put the house on the market by the end of the week. I guess September is close enough to the end of the year but I still thought that maybe I’d have more time. I guess in some sick way, it’s what I wanted. I’ve been here for so long and while I have many good memories, the bad ones are starting to catch up to me. There are some things I don’t want to have to bare witness to as everything around me changes. I can’t stand being home anymore and for that I’m sure my car hates me. Before I left for work, I took a quick walk around and expected to have some kind of emotional reaction as I walked through the halls and looked at the rooms that my brother and I used to play in when we were kids but there was nothing. Not even a lump in my throat.
I shrugged it off (it’s only a house) and got dressed for work. Of course, it’s pouring rain here in New Jersey so no one was going to be playing golf today. I opened the place by myself and it wasn’t long before a bartender showed up (the one who has no problem with making drinks for the employees) and after about an hour of sitting at the bar, I decided to hang out on the patio. I probably could’ve left because I didn’t really need to be there, but I wanted to stay (I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to be at work before). I was soon joined by one of the few servers I enjoy working with, Kaytizzle, and the two of us sat outside watching the rain as we bullshitted with each other for a while. The “party” grew when Chef G-Money came out and the three of us sat under the awning like the group of chain smokers we all are. The bartender eventually delivered a few more drinks and after those were spent, G made an executive decision to close the place down early (no dinner service on Tuesdays).
Not through yet, the four of us rolled on over to a local watering hole for burgers and beers. Effectively buzzed (I guess an older post of mine is now null and void) and not really looking to go home, I went over to another local bar and restaurant where I munched on a double order of extra-spicy wings. I’m a glutton for pain, as it turns out. I planned on only having a single drink but the bartender managed to convince me to have another. She had heard of the club I work at and recognized the logo on my shirt and so we made small talk out of that and how the place is closing down in the winter. Shit, she even offered me a job if I wanted to speak with the manager right then but I respectfully told her that I had a lot of stuff on my plate at the moment.
Still not looking to go home, I thought about going to the gym but having spent two hours there yesterday I felt like I could skip it (little too drunk for the gym anyway… and kind of sore). So I raced over to a smoke shop in Red Bank to get some legal herbs (should I be using more discretion? I don’t really care… its legal). On my way to Red Bank, I passed a Tattoo/Piercing Parlor and briefly considered getting a piercing the location of which is yet to be determined. Again, I am a glutton for pain. I’m not a fan of nose piercings and the ears just won’t look right so if anything… maybe the corner of my eyebrow. A glistening symbol next to my eye to represent all the tears I refuse to shed. If I had more money on me, I probably would’ve done it but I had other plans. I continued into Red Bank, got what I needed and after stopping for more cigarettes (I’m starting to go through multiple packs again) I finally went home where I drunkenly began to fill boxes with all my DVD’s and CD’s (which means there’s no order to it).
It was around here, where the lump in my throat finally reared its ugly head. Yet, it went right back down into the pit of my stomach and I was back to my usual stoic self. Opening up has never been my thing because when I do, it only causes trouble.
A week ago, I told myself that I was going to try and write something a little more upbeat. But that was last week… if only I had acted sooner! Not like it really would’ve changed anything about the current situation but maybe it would’ve been a good read? Maybe it would’ve been more interesting than a “day in the life” of a depressed chain smoker who can’t sleep and is currently being kept awake (maybe even alive) by an unhealthy amount of caffeine and alcohol. I don’t even know what I was really looking for today but at least it kept my thoughts at bay. The loss of my job doesn’t concern me. I just need a little more time to get my mind and my heart settled. Easier said than done, that’s for sure.
Ain’t life grand?
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