My Jersey Boys: How to Survive a Scary Movie...

I guess I’ll try and bring some humor to this page before I go to work.

After recently viewing Scream 4, the third sequel to the 90’s slasher classic, I was reminded once again of the ever changing rules in the world of scary movies (nothing stays the same anyway). For the record, I’m a huge horror movie fan and I’ve been into them ever since I was fairly young. Needless to say, I’ve seen an absolute fuck ton of them over the years but recent efforts have failed to stand up to the timeless classics of the past, the only exceptions being Final Destination, The Devil’s Rejects, 28 Days Later, and the criminally underrated Dog Soldiers.

As this new decade rushes forward, I can already see things changing once again within the genre. The torture films (Saw, Hostel) don’t pop up every other month and no one seems to care about Japanese ghost kids anymore. The remake thing also seems to be cooling off which I am all for. Don’t fuck with the original, for reals! It’s still too early to say where the genre will go from here but it looks like Paranormal Activity is really picking up with a third film coming out later this year and there’s also another Final Destination in the works , which is good news to my ears. So it looks like things are taking a turn for the paranormal and the supernatural which is fine, though not exactly my cup of tea.

So for those of you who are still with me, here are some helpful tips if you ever find yourself in a scary movie and you want to be back for the sequel!

You can never have sex. Sex = Death in horror movies. Hey, don’t get mad at me I didn’t make that one up!
Never drink or do drugs. Another unpopular rule but you don’t want to be tripping balls when the spirits that possess your house start messing with you!
If you have the benefit of numbers, never split up! Seriously, why does everyone always do this?
Never ever assume that the killer is dead, because he’s not!
If you hear a strange noise in the house or coming from behind a door, never say “who’s there?” Trust me, you don’t want to know!
Never stop running even if the monster is slowly lumbering after you. They always manage to catch up!
Never run upstairs! Way to trap yourself, dumbass!
If a family with a quiet little kid moves into your town, consider moving away. He’s probably the anti-Christ!
Never schedule a camping trip on Friday the 13^th. Do I really need to go into detail here?
Always use the buddy system. It helps if your “buddy” is slower or dumber than you.
Never sacrifice yourself to save someone else. Chances are they’ll be dead soon too.
Avoid basements!
Avoid attics!
Try not to move into any houses on Elm Street.
If you’re fleeing from the killer and you make it to your car then it doesn’t matter how reliable your car normally is because it probably won’t start!
Never back out of a room into another, there’s always something behind you!
Never pick up hitchhikers!
If someone offers you a babysitting job on Halloween Night, don’t take it!
Be mindful of windows.
Avoid summer camps!
If you stumble across a town that seems way too friendly, get the hell out of there!
If you drop something, never go back to get it. Seriously, value your own life!
Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie!
Avoid cemeteries!
If your girlfriend/boyfriend walks into the room wearing a mask and not talking, get the hell out of there because it’s not them!
Never try to unmask the killer. It only pisses them off more!
Never hide in the closet. What are you stupid?
Never listen to strange voices on the phone. Especially if they want to know what your favorite scary movie is!
Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.
If you encounter the police, you’re still not safe!
If some weird old guy tells you that a place is haunted, then it probably is and you should stay the fuck away!
Don’t watch any videos that people claim are cursed. You’ll be dead in a week!
Avoid walking through the woods when there’s a full moon.
Don’t hesitate, JUST SHOOT IT!
Never ever, ever, EVER under any circumstances say “I’ll be right back,” because you won’t be back!