I wanted to write something for the blog today, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about something interesting to write about. I really struggle with writing about things that I don't care about. I realize that everybody struggles with that, but it definitely applies to me. BSing about something boring is okay for school but is not something I'm really interested in letting anybody else read. I guess you could say that I am fairly sensitive about what people think about my writing (once again, I realize this is fairly common).

I am currently watching Pardon the Interruption on ESPN (which is a really good show when compared to the other stuff ESPN produces). Kornheiser and Wilbon discussed the significance of Rafael Nadal, the world #1 in men's tennis, expressing serious self-doubt following his most recent match. From what I understand (which is admittedly limited), Nadal was less than confident about his prospects against the remaining French Open field. Kornheiser and Wilbon discussed what this display of self-doubt meant for Nadal's chances in winning his 6th (yes 6th) French Open Championship. They shared a very reasonable perspective* that Nadal still had a very good chance to win. They seemed to agree with me that Nadal's 5 previous titles have more predictive power than Nadal's honest assessment of himself. They added a piece of information that I was not aware of. Apparently, Nadal is known for being overly realistic about his performance in the press conferences that follow his matches. Nadal is the #1 tennis player in the world, and he is consumed with self-doubt to the extent that 5 previous championships at Roland Garros do not give him endless confidence. Thoughtful readers may point out that a person truly consumed with self-doubt would not be so open about his limitations in a public setting (I think this is a reasonable point).

*As much as I love ESPN, most of the content it produces and distributes is poorly thought out and often inane. PTI is one of the few shows that I actually find mentally stimulating. Most of the announcers on ESPN must have been hired for their ability to speak to cameras, because they certainly weren't hired for their brilliant analysis.*

So the world's best tennis player struggles with self-doubt just like me? Nadal is worried that he might not be playing well enough to win this week, and I am worried that people may think my writing is terrible. It's exactly the same thing. Okay, obviously I don't do anything as well as Nadal plays tennis, and I don't want anybody to think I am comparing myself to anything on that level. If anything, my self-doubt is more deserved given that Nadal is the best tennis player in the world and I am the best writer in my basement (I am the only person in my basement). The point is that everybody struggles with self-doubt. It's just an issue of how people express it. Plenty of them suppress it so much that you would never know. These people may overcompensate for their self-doubt with a veil of self-confidence.

I think I've heard people say that bullies are really cowards. Whether or not this true (I'm skeptical), I think it's a good analogy for self-doubt and self-confidence. Self-doubt and confidence go hand-in-hand. We all have both, just in different amounts. They are not mutually exclusive (meaning that you can have both self-doubt and confidence). They work together to shape how we present ourselves to other people. We each have our preferred amount of both. I would not want to live with only self-confidence and all the implications that come with it. Similarly, I would not want to live with only self-doubt and all the implications that come with it. There is a healthy balance, specific to the individual.

I mentioned before that plenty of people suppress their self-doubt. When I said plenty, I really meant most, if not all. I started out by writing that I don't like to write about things I don't care about. Readers who have been paying attention hopefully figured out that self-doubt is really important to me because I am consumed with self-doubt. Although Rafael Nadal and I are similar in very few ways, I can sympathize with his feeling of self-doubt. Even in settings that we've proved ourselves before, we struggle with accepting and moving past our perception of our limitations. I have no brilliant solution for the self-doubt problem. This is partly because I try (emphasize try) not to view self-doubt as all negative (The other part is because I'm just not smart enough to figure out the answer). Doubt keeps us grounded. It keeps us aware of our limitations. It prevents success from going to our heads. I may disagree with the following thought tomorrow, but maybe self-doubt is just as important as self-confidence when comes to being a successful person (whatever that means).

I hope you like my writing.

D

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Chilling with unicorns, James Van Der Beek, and a massive rainbow gunfight??? Damn it, Ke$ha... You get to have all the fun...

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Still on vacation. Doing arts and crafts with my youngest sister. Makes me wish for the days when I was little, and it was socially acceptable for me to color and do random art projects. Tonight I'll be back in the Del, hanging with the boys. Hells yeahs!!!!

Peace & Cigarettes,
B

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Yeah, me either...

I'll be in the arcade until I'm out of quarters... Then I guess I'll go back to playing angry birds or solitaire. For right now though, it's just me, this machine, and my iPhone pumping out some jams. Currently listening to some of this... Which I only have a link for because apparently YouTube won't let my iPhone get the embedded code. Curse my laptop for being old and falling apart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?nomobile=1&v=LfCZsktqq7Q

Peace & Cigarettes,
B

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Hello world!

Currently I'm writing from outside my hotel in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I'm here for my sister's dance competition... Woohoo... Personally I've never really been into the dance competition scene. I gave up dance/cheerleading/gymnastics when I was thirteen because I hurt myself in dance class one night, and decided that I had had enough. My sister, on the other hand, has kept with it. She's fifteen now, and even though I'm really proud of her, I feel a complete and total disconnect with my family's obsession with sport/dance competitions. Which makes me the black sheep in the family, because I would rather write than spend endless hours killing myself trying to learn routines. The benefit of this though is the fact that I can sneak off and do my own thing.

Which brings me to what I'm doing now, which is smoking and writing to all of you. Quick funny side note, I'm sitting on a rock ledge that overlooks a golf course, and some drunk guy just walked past me and yelled, "DON'T JUMP! WE ARE HERE!" I laughed, mainly because it's only a ten foot drop... It's not even enough to cause minimal damage. I know this because I may have accidentally jumped a similar ledge, not realizing it's actual distance. That's a different story though. As for now, I'm fine just sitting here smoking my cigarettes and staring up at the sky. I have a fascination with stars.

To be honest, I'm a little disappointed that I'm here in Lancaster and not back at home with the boys. It is my last weekend here before I go to Colorado for a month, but I have done a good job saving face for my family and pretending that I actually want to be here.

I miss the boys a lot, which missing people is kind of a foreign concept to me. My parents split up when I was two, so I've grown up with having to be separated from the people I care about constantly. The boys are pretty much my only exception. Ever. I think it's partcially because I feel like they actually want me around, and I can just relax and be whatever I want to be around them. It's a comforting feeling, which is probably why I hold them at a higher regard than most of my own family.

I may physically be here with my smoke and the stars, but mentally I'm back home, sitting in my thinking chair in TK's garage with the boys. *sigh* well, until next time...

Peace & Cigarettes,
B

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Liars.

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They call it commencement, the beginning of the rest of your life. My mom used to tell me that when she graduated, she was ready to move on. A combination of boredom and regret pushed her to take her college degree and get out as quickly as possible, both physically and emotionally. I understood why she felt this way about her college experience, but I never thought I would be "ready" to leave Duke. College has the habit of becoming 4 of the best/significant years of an individual's life, and I am no exception. Over the course of the last 4 years, my worst skill became my best and I developed unbelievably strong friendships. I became an important person to people. There is nothing that builds self-confidence faster than when those around you believe you're important.

I had daily reminders that people respected my opinion enough to seek me out. My judgment became accepted as wisdom. I have no idea how I went from being a shy freshmen to a wise, old fraternity president, but I'd like to think that I made people comfortable. I hope that my mellow personality gave comfort to those that were infinitely more stressed than I was. I hope that they knew that I had their backs regardless of the challenges that they might face. I hope they trusted that I would resolve any problems that came up and would shield them from any concerns that weren't necessary for me to share with them. I wish they knew how badly I wanted to make them all proud of me. I will always be grateful to those people who mistakenly thought that I knew what I was doing, who gave me the opportunity to lead them, who were my friends.

The truth is I was never comfortable with any of this. I never knew how to handle being so respected. I had no supervision. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, with no questions asked. I was uncomfortable being the center of attention (I was probably the quietest and most low-maintenance fraternity president ever). Although I eventually got used to my role, I would have preferred to be #2. I would have preferred to work for somebody else. I would have preferred more privacy and anonymity (everything I did was seen and/or known by everybody). Thankfully for me and my future, my fraternity was having none of this. They forced me to grow up. They forced me to learn how to talk to people. They forced me to keep working even when I wanted to give up. I am so grateful.

Unfortunately, 2 years of leadership wore on me. At the beginning of semesters, I was energized and my patience meter was full. I could handle any problem that could come up, organizationally or individually (others). People would come to me at all hours of the day looking for me to fix their problems. By the end of the semesters, I would become worn down, frustrated, and sometimes bitter. I put so much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly. I was so afraid to let people down. Sometimes, I would blame others for putting so much pressure on me, even when I knew that I was responsible for shouldering all the burden. At the end (especially the last 2 springs), I would long to be freed from responsibility and would hope that somebody else would offer to pick up the slack. It was these times in which I missed my NJ friends the most. There is some special quality that our group has that asks each individual to play a small role and nothing more. When I came home, I would revel in the lack of expectations and the lack of self-induced pressure. Unfortunately, my friends at school became accustomed to me doing everything for them, and I certainly was not going to let them struggle alone: so I kept working until the very end. I wish I were stronger. I wish I were better able to shoulder that burden. I worked as hard as I could. Sometimes it was enough, but normally it wasn't.

This is why near the end I was ready to leave. I love my friends at Duke. I love that they had so much faith in me. I love that I was able to make their lives a little bit easier, but I can't do it anymore. I tried solving everybody's problems, but nobody can do that forever. I will really miss feeling like the most important person in the room, but for awhile I'd really like to be just like everybody else. The last few weeks of college, I was counting down the days until I could go home. I had never been particularly homesick up to that point, but after 4 years of college, I was desperate to see Tk's garage again.

My best friend Cor (she was introduced to you guys very recently) asked a few weeks ago if I was upset about graduation. I told her that I wasn't but that I expected that I would be soon. I was right. The week before graduation it finally hit me that I would never see my friends again. Although I know that I will see them again, I also know that it will never be the same. We will never all live together again. We will never all hang out on regular basis. We will never again have impromptu fun. I will never see my best friend everyday again. For the rest of our lives, seeing each other will be big deal just because of how rare it will be. I am still struggling with this realization and will continue to for the foreseeable future. Even knowing how badly I wanted to leave near the end and how the pressure tore me apart, I would go through it all for another 2 years if it meant I could be with my friends again. In the end, they gave me much more than I possibly could have given them. I hope they know that.

D

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